I’m sure that you’ve heard this popular saying before: “time heals all wounds.” It’s based on what we simply observe with the human body. If we suffer a cut that breaks or separates the skin, our belief is that if we wait long enough (10-14 days?), the body will heal itself, and we can continue as we were. And yet, this saying more commonly refers to relationships (or relational wounds) that have gone awry. Here, the belief is that given enough time, the most hurtful or painful wounds inflicted by another person will eventually fade or diminish until they are gone. My purpose for this article is to challenge the validity of this saying by asking, “Is it true? Is time all that’s needed? Does time really heal wounds?” Or is there something more that’s required to bring true healing to a damaged relationship?
To set this up, I want to put some parameters in place. First, since I’m a pastor, I’m writing this article to fellow Christians who believe there’s a Christ-honoring, biblical basis for how we should address one another and resolve differences or issues. Second, there’s a limit to the degree of “wounding” that I discuss in this article. To be clear, I am not addressing extreme issues that occur between two people (ie. abuse, harassment, bullying, etc). These types of issues require a much more rigorous or urgent type of professional Christian counseling or intervention than what I’m putting forth here. What I’m writing about are the all-to-common difficulties (ie. letdowns, disappointments, failures, etc) that can be experienced between two or more people within a local church family. Things like this happen and, unfortunately, they happen often. How they are addressed by the participants can define a church family.
The problem I find with some Christians is that they seem to want to believe that “time heals all wounds,” except very often that view is just a cover for avoiding others and not working through their issues. To be more specific, there’s a tendency among some Christians to avoid conflict by trying to “forget about” and “move past” sins that were committed against one another and not working through or resolving them. When this happens, we’re bound to suffer from repressed feelings that are painfully long-lasting. It’s possible that things could become worse, or we might find some level of rudimentary stability; but either way it’s not bound to get better. It can also mean no more spiritual growth or maturity.
I submit to you that “time” will not solve those problems. Time will not reverse hurtful or upsetting feelings. Time will not bring forth forgiveness or reconciliation. Time will not make one grow spiritually or put us back on the path to maturity. This is because time (by itself) CANNOT heal wounds. Time is nothing more than a measurement between two or more moments. Time has no power to change the circumstances or conditions of existence. If time were the only thing that changed between two existential moments, then there would be no change of circumstances or condition. The way things were in the first moment would remain exactly the same at the next moment. Nothing is different.
Let’s go deeper into what the saying assumes, so we can see what’s really going on and why the saying is wrong. A wound is inflicted on the human body, such as a laceration on the skin. Healthy, uniform skin is suddenly separated into two sides with a lot of hurt or pain felt at the injury site. We’ve already established our belief that the two sides will come together and heal over time. That’s the power of the human body. But what’s really going to make that happen? Is it just a “measurement between two moments” that will bring healing? No. Biology tells us that there’s an amazing, multi-step process of healing going on at the cellular level – including restricting blood vessels, sticky platelets, clotting proteins, gathering fibroblasts, and migrating skin – that’s all invisible to our eyes. It is through this multi-step, microscopic process that the two sides of the laceration come together until the wound is fully healed. This is the power of the human body healing itself – a very layered, complex process that includes many elements at work.
Now let’s consider some of the broken friendships or damaged relationships experienced between followers of Jesus. The healing of relational wounds between Christians is like the process above in that it is also multi-step and layered. However, it is unlike the above because the process is not automatic. We must choose how we’re going to respond to injury. Trying to forget about what hurt us and saying “let’s just move on” is, quite frankly, a bad choice. It is essentially relying on time (by itself) to heal our wounds; except that nothing is being worked (at any level) to bring about any sort of healing. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s worse. Because invariably, every time we come across the person who hurt us, we instantly remember that we are injured, and nothing changes.
Tragically, I know Christians who live with a broken friendship (or a damaged relationship) from an altercation experienced long ago (weeks, months, even years), all the while attending the same church every week, and trying to avoid the same people. Even more tragically, I know Christians who have broken fellowship with a church family because they tried to solve the problem by “forgetting and moving on”, rather than working to repair the relationship, and it didn’t work. So, they left. (Note: I don’t have a problem with Christians changing churches. My problem is when they do so without trying to reconcile first.)
This is why the Lord prescribes for us to choose something better. Jesus requires his followers to engage one another and work through our difficulties. Matthew 18:15 is a well-known verse that says, “if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault.” You have that responsibility. And yet, Matt 5:24 makes it clear that the responsibility is also on the offender to seek reconciliation. In other words, “forgetting and moving on” is by no means an acceptable solution for Christians, from either side, according to the Lord. In fact, I believe that some Christians lack of joy is really discipline from the Lord because they have ignored these commands.
So, what are we to do once contact is initiated? God commands us to forgive our brothers and sisters in Christ, and he prescribes for us how to do that too.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.
– James 5:16
Notice that James connects “healing” with “confessing” and “praying.” Here, we begin to see the multi-steps of the healing process. There is power in confessing to and praying for one another. Confessing is like cleaning the wound of foreign material that would cause infection and prevent healing. Praying, even when done separately and in private at first, is the beginning stages of the two sides coming together. The hurt begins to diminish when we are praying for one another.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
– Colossians 3:12-13
Paul gives other elements to the healing process, and it begins with making a choice. Notice how choosing to put on the Christian character of verse 12 bears itself out in verse 13. By choosing to put on compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, you can bear (put up with) and forgive one another. They all contribute to the healing process. And the really great thing about these elements is that they are listed in Ephesians 5:22-23 as “fruits of the Spirit.” In other words, you don’t have to “gather or drum them up” in your own power. They are given to you by your Heavenly Father. All you need to do is pursue them in faith and prayer. He gives them to you “beyond all measure” as you seek to bear and forgive one another for the wrongs that occurred between you and another.
If you’re a Christian who’s been hurt, imagine how this would change life between you and others in the church. No more having to avoid each other in the hallways. You can greet each other warmly. No more fake smiles covering up the hurt that you feel inside. Your smiles are genuine as you begin to trust one another again. No more having to deal with the memories of the “incident” every time you see someone. Those memories are replaced by fresh new experiences while the hurt you once felt is fading away. Yes, this can take some time; but instead of relying on “time” (which has no power), we’re relying on God’s all-powerful, redeeming power.
Here’s my final thought. Just imagine how much you are glorifying the Lord when you obediently pursue healing. God is highly magnified; because when relationships that were once broken are restored in the church, it is an ongoing demonstration of the Gospel. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is shined upon as you extend forgiveness, grace, and mercy to your brother or sister. Which means, in my opinion, forgiving one another is one of the most meaningful ways to be a witness for Jesus Christ to the world around us. Let that be an encouragement to us all.
Thanks for reading.